Thursday, March 19, 2009

The “Big-Bang” Living Room Project

The idea of decorating as a form of punishment occurred to me yesterday after Week 2 of Project: Redecorate. Unlike the car manufacturers, who offer yearly limited color options like: white, grey or blue; interior design colors are an endless rainbow-nightmare from which I cannot awake. I’m a castaway on “Beige Island,” safe and serene…and I’m afraid to be rescued. The process of color change is my personal Hell.

The what-ifs are multiplying: What if the wall color doesn’t match our sofas? What if the carpeting looks shabby when everything else is done? What if the end result is “Barney the Dinosaur’s” cave... on gummy bears?

In the past few weeks, we have been working on inexpensively decorating our living room. As with all inexpensive expectations, the “Big Bang” Living Room project has exploded from a moliscule paint job to major, giant construction of beams and stoning our plain fireplace. Caught up in the whirlwind of “The Living Room of Dreams,” anxiety has hit the ceiling and struck us blind…stone, stain and paint colorblind.

“That brown looks too orangey.” I said to Fred, holding up a color sample marked Baked Bean.

“It looks reddish to me.” Fred countered.

Is that cherry, or is it mahogany? Is it sienna or is it burgundy with a hint of coffee? Subtle, barely perceivable differences started revealing themselves to us from across the room-- driving us mad. The color palate of brownish reds we’re working with could be used to paint Chief Running Horse’s portrait, or a lobster dinner at dusk, or milk-chocolates floating in Dr. Pepper. They’re alike, but enough different that there’s choice-conflict around every corner.

“Do you see a purple hue when the oven light is on?” I said, holding up a paint chip. By this time I had ridden the “color-wheel” a few too many times.

“No, but I see a touch of aqua-azure when I close one eye,” Fred said; his inner-interior designer pushing up through him like a crocus through the cold, spring ground--an aqua-azure crocus.

Once we reached an agreement on a paint color (brown), it is necessary to pick stain and beam type.

“What if we had beams with arches up to them?” Fred asked.

“You mean a four-part groin vaulted ceiling with flying buttresses?” I asked, enthused to be talking art history and architecture.

“No, but I was thinking it would be an excellent show-piece for a deer head over the fireplace.”

Fred is back.

We will certainly banter about how many points the deer’s antler-rack should have. Once agreed, Fred has to find one, count its antlers… and shoot.

I just hope its fur matches my sofas.

1 comment:

Kelly L said...

This one had me rolling in laughter! I even had to call "Fred" and laugh with him about it! Keep em comin'!!