Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I AM DOG--hear me “Woof”


Dear Arfie,

They say owners and their dogs begin to look alike in time. Although my earlobes ARE hanging lower than last year, I see no beginnings of a tail, enlarged tongue or canines. I have noticed some starling behavior similarities, however. Since you're a dog, maybe you can help me…

There is always a little liquid medicine at the bottom of that deep, little plastic cup that I can never get out. I take this kind of medicine twice a day. Without thinking, I’ve been lapping the last few drops out with my tongue--it’s highly efficient, actually. Yesterday, after I was done, I looked sideways and noticed that Jasmine, our golden retriever, was staring at me. She shook her head in a knowing, disgusted manner. I am dog.

Jasmine has a need to “go” in her own spot. She’ll take an entire walk sometimes, cross-legged until she gets home, then zips across the lawn to “Poo-field,” circles around her exact area and relieves herself. I think it’s kind of compulsive.

“You do the same thing,” my husband, Fred pointed out recently.

“What?”

“You hold it in till you get home so you can go in your own spot.”

Good GOD—he’s right! I DO like my own bathroom (especially our new toilet) and will wait until I get home in almost all cases. So far, though I haven’t been circling it. Should I be worried? Am I dog?

Last night, I had an itch behind my ear and I got my right leg up and tried to scratch it with my toenails (o.k.—that didn’t really happen). But I HAVE been doing a lot of shedding lately. The difference between Jasmine’s shedding and mine is that hers is limited to the floor—mine is EVERYWHERE! I have a feeling in my bones that I’ll end up wearing Lunch Lady hair-nets. Did I just say “bones?” See what I mean?

If all this points to some human/canine DNA melt—is there hope for me?

Signed,

The Shaggy Housewife

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Dear Shaggy Housewife,

First of all… are YOU my mother?

Don’t fight the process. If the next step is nose blackening, followed by an enhanced sense of smell—embrace it. Also, I’d definitely be on the look-out for that tail.

As for advice---have you tried a vacuum or a good, metal hand-rake for the excess shedding?

Signed,

“Dear Arfie”

1 comment:

Elista Krista said...

Why cant you change your name to Fido?