Saturday, August 9, 2008

JOB INTERVIEW: CHINA’S OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY PERFORMER

Interview Panel Member (IPM): What is your name and what can you do?
Heidi: I am Heidi and I can do a lot of things. I do a great “Hog call,” sing Karaoke and make brownies without a recipe.
IPM: No. Physically. What are you able to do?
Heidi: I am a water aerobics instructor. I can also ride a bike and touch my toes.
IPMs talk amongst themselves, then call out to someone stage left:
IPM: You'll be a RECTANGLE TOWER BOBBER. You stand inside rectangle tower and jump up, sit down, crouch….create beautiful patterns with hundreds of others, also in rectangles.
Heidi: With it on me? Like over my head??
IPM: Yes. Try it now.
Heidi: I’ll try. THERE. How was that?
IPM: Good. You did o.k. You do 30,000 times for 10 minutes and only when it's your turn.
Heidi: Huh?
IPM: Like Wack a Mole with no Wack.
Heidi: 30,000 squats? I don't think I can manage that.
Pause, conferring with one another. Then…
IPM: O.k. Then you be a CHEERLEADER for athletes when they come into Birds Nest.
Heidi: (thinking) That would be cool. I never got to be a cheerleader. I’m sure they’ll put me at the bottom of the pyramid. I’ll have to limber up if they want me to do the splits....still....
Heidi: I’ll take it. What do I do?
IPM: You stand in a giant circle and kick, jump and Rah-Rah for athletes.
Heidi: That sounds great. Will I have to do that for 10 minutes too?
IPM: No. Cheerleaders cheer for 2 hours.
Heidi: On my feet, kicking, jumping and Rah-Rahing for 2 hours?? Well...if I can wear my comfortable shoes with my heel inserts, I might be o.k. We get breaks right?
IPM: No breaks. You wear high heel boots.
Heidi: For 2 hours solid? I'd rather be a lunch lady. Pass.
IPM: We need someone to LIGHT TORCH. Can you go up high?
Heidi: Like on my tippy-toes?
IPM: No. High like 20 meters.
Heidi: What would I do?
IPM: We hook you up to giant cables, transport you straight up in the air, then you walk sideways along the side of the Bird Cage, exaggerating legs as if running. There. Now try to run in air.
Heidi: O.k.
Heidi puts one arm in front, lifts other leg behind.
IPM murmering to each other then….
IPM (laughing to each other): Yea, hee-hee, like the "Big Fig Newton", yes, yes...hee-hee .."Here's the tricky part." hee-hee.
Heidi: I heard that.
IPM: O.k. Then you be POLITE SPECTATOR IN STADIUM. You sit and observe. No leaning over others to speak, no looking at watch, no tapping American flag on knee.
Heidi: I don’t think I can handle that either. I’m getting hot.
IPM: You go to TGI Friday and watch on Big Screen.
Heidi: Now you're talking!




2 comments:

Jenie Altruda said...

So funny. I am so glad you sent the link because I missed it entirely. Friday night was book club night (i.e. Sangria and gossip with the girls... I was out until midnight...)

Love the whole scenario. You should be a sit-com writer.

T.G.I.Fridays - Here I come! :)

Bev Spicknall said...

I agree, that was BEAUTIFUL! I was in awe of how they were able to choreograph that. Wow!

I think you would have been great in the go-go boots!