Wednesday, August 20, 2008

If I Only Had a Purse

When we are at any event, my husband, Fred, will turn to me at some point and say:

“Can I put (fill in the blank) in your purse?”

Sometimes it’s his keys, wallet, cell phone, or all three. Once the event is over…

“Can I have (fill in the blank) back?” So, I, the keeper, the retriever, have to rummage, find his possessions and hand them back to him.

Deep down, I know Fred married me for more than just my pack mule abilities and my roomy bag. But after 11 years of marriage, I want to say…

“Get your own purse!”

Fred has all kinds of legitimate things he needs to bring along with him daily. Why waste time searching for a pen, roll of mints, cell phone charger--when all those things could go in a perfectly wonderful little pouch with zipper compartments and a comfortable shoulder strap? Somehow, just the idea of carrying a purse-like bag (so feminine, so foreign) figuratively castrates him.

My husband has lots and lots of “man” bags. Lap-top-bags full to capacity, brimming with folders, devices, sticky notes and all kinds of random things. The problem is, his big man fingers cannot easily grasp things that inevitably fall between books and newspapers. He also carries gym bags, which are far too vast a space to be organized.

Fred will consent to bring a “Fanny Pack” with him with when he’s “tailgating” or traveling. In it he keeps a checkbook, pens etc. He will not “wear” it, but keeps it in the car. When he needs things--- tickets, mints, whatever--he takes them out and puts them in his pockets. Inevitably, something is forgotten back at the car in the “Fanny Pack” and Fred has to go back for it. This is not an efficient system for an engineer. He’s avoiding the “Ultimate Solution.”

Men actually have a better body shape to wear shoulder bags. Because they don’t have female hips, the bag can hang straight down. It doesn’t have to be fancy, shiny or sequined. It can be made to look masculine---black, with a deer head, or a sports logo—or maybe some decorative math equations along the front pocket. To get the fad started we need a few good, extroverted and emotionally secure men.

Recently, Fred experienced a catastrophic “Wallet Loss” which punctuated his need for a lovely, purposeful purse-- to a painful, festering point. Never has this need been so dramatically highlighted. Devastated, Fred, filled with self-loathing and “what-ifs,” had one more blow to “salt his sore.” The muttering of his wife, in a barely audible voice:

“If you put it in the same place every time, you wouldn’t have lost it.”

DOH!

Anyone looking for Christmas ideas:

Fred needs a new wallet with a chain on it…

and a muzzle...for his wife

1 comment:

David said...

Reading of your experiences make me feel much better!
I might not be as far off the mark as I sometimes feel
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