Sunday, July 6, 2008

There’s a white-hair in my eyebrow and I don’t know whose it is….

….I tried to brush it away, but it must have somehow adhered itself to the rest of my eyebrow. I rub. Shockingly—I have grown my own white eyebrow hair. Suddenly my youth is gone—I am 150 years old.

I associate white eyebrows with people like Santa Claus, Oompa Loompas (the “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” variety--not the later “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” “chones”)…and my 96-year-old Great-Aunt Louise. Stray white and grey hairs are to be expected past 30….but not on my face!!

I riffle through my cosmetics bag looking for either tweezers or a brown magic marker…or both.

Yesterday, I was driving, and I looked at the hands on the steering wheel-- which clearly were not mine!! The hands at 10 and 2 had age freckles and wrinkles. I remember those old dish-liquid ads where the mother and daughter hide behind the plates and put up just their hands so the consumer could judge whose hands were whose. These hands would never fool anyone into thinking they were my daughter’s.

Will they ever bring back ladies fashion wrist-to-elbow gloves?

I have a spunky, young-person spirit. I am just wearing a “nearing-middle-aged woman”… suit. I didn’t ask for this suit. I’d like to unzip it and climb out—find my old body again and wear short-shorts. I fear though, as I unzip the suit, I’d tear my rotator cuff, topple over and break a hip. Inside, I am a tiger, not a playtipus who says “oof” every time she gets up from the sofa. Why such a “mindset vs. looks” discrepancy and what is the solution?

Hair-dye: BIG fan of hair dye—but it’s hard to get right on your own. I’ve had mine go lavender on me trying to save a buck. One of my part-time jobs is devoted to earning enough money to cover the cost of my chronic hair color habit. Hats, wigs, turbans also pose possible answers I’ve explored.

Plastic Surgery: The older I get the more I understand multiple points of view. The world of black and white has evolved over these years into a mauvy, grey-greenish, macaroni and cheese color—with more colors being added every day. I understand why women want to change their outer appearance to match the inner-self. I just could not “elect” to have my body cut open or injected with goop.

Teeth-Whitening: I will admit to trying this years ago. I spent a fortune having a dentist make a mold of my teeth, then build custom “trays” to inject this bleechy stuff into so I could wear them for several hours a day. Only the edges of my teeth ever got whiter. I now have this eerie “set” of plaster teeth as a souvenir, which if I were ambitious enough, could “hinge” and put out as a Halloween nick-nack.

But white eyebrows—what to do about them? If I pluck them out—sooner or later I’ll end up WITHOUT any and look like guy in “The Wall” or my Grandma, who I busted eyebrow-less one day when I was a kid without her usual drawn-on arches, and had a recurring nightmare involving her and some “Lost in Space” anti-matter world. Dying them, I’ve read, can cause blindness.

I’ll keep trying to fight old age, though. If you ever see the outer-shell of an older- woman lyng somewhere, you’ll know I’ve made a break for it!


Anonymous said...

Platypuses don't say oof

Jenie Altruda said...

I have a sole white hair in my left eyebrow. It's not too apparent, apparently, because the woman who waxes my eyebrows failed to pluck it last time. I suppose for all we've been through, a single white eyebrow hair is not that bad!

And whoever you are anonymous, how do you know what Platypuses say? Do you OWN one?