Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Power of Chocolate

I am having a really stressful day. One of those days where there’s a little black rain cloud hanging over the side of your bed, so when you stand up into it, it wraps you up like a burrito. One of those days a fortune cookie or a horoscope warns you about:

Aries: “….not one of your better days—stay away from everyone and everything”


“Happiness will be yours if you cover up with a blanket and hide” a similar Chinese-to-English translation might read.

On this kind of day, I need to lean on my crutch. My pacifier. My one vice…Chocolate.

Problem: Since I ate the last three chocolate Necco wafers my daughter didn’t like off her plate earlier (when it was only a “Chocolate Alert”)-- there isn’t a crumb of chocolate in this house.

I know there isn’t any more because as each molecule of chocolate enters this house, I keep a feverish, 24/7 mental surveillance on it (call it “Choc-dar”). I am aware when there is a spoonful of chocolate ice cream left in a container. I lift up the chocolate syrup in the fridge to see if there’s enough for a glass of chocolate milk. I know if there are any packages of chocolate pudding lurking in the back of my cupboard. I keep track of it all in case of a “Chocolate Emergency,” --during which time I prowl through my kitchen like one of those aquarium cleaner fish and suck up all chocolate products, so there isn’t even a “Cocoa Pebble” left.

Now---I’m PANICKING!! Right now-- I might even need to be hooked up to an IV for a few thousand CCs of chocolate malt. The rapid induction into my blood stream would allow the color would return to my face, my eyeballs to un-bulge, become un-bloodshot and un-“deranged.”

I just don’t know how to cope without that luscious, silky, delicious brown shot of happiness.

I NEED MY CHOCOLATE! When I’m stressed out and I don’t have my chocolate, I’m like a bad Gremlin; a beast. Did you ever see “Witches of Eastwick” where Jack Nicholson’s character starts turning back into Mephistopheles----looking “molted” and hobbling on his cloven hoove? He’s the EASTER BUNNY compared to me when I’m “chocolate-less” during a 3-alarm “Chocolate Deprivation Catastrophe.”

Why hasn’t someone thought of a Chocolate Delivery Service? People who don’t rely on it for appeasement could be in charge of the supply. When an emergency call comes in (like mine would today), some nice calm person would take down my address and my preference for milk as opposed to dark, chewy vs crunchy and “POOF!!” an un-marked creamier-shade-than-“UPS-Brown” truck would pull up in my driveway and leave my scrumptious “fix” on my doorstep. At this point—cost is not a barrier!!

Someday—I might have to treat this addiction. Maybe they have something like a chocolate “patch” I could wear on my arm, like smokers do to kick the habit. But....

....Nah—I’d just eat it.

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