Monday, July 21, 2008


The name “Heidi” actually means “Battle Maid.”

There is a battle going on in my house.

This morning’s mini-war ensued when I was washing my hands in my bathroom and looked down to see One-GOZILLION FEGILLIAN FINNINIGAN ants everywhere on my counter. I ran and got a spray bottle of “Fantastic” and a pump bottle of non-scented Ant Killer. I am John Wayne, cocked and ready, with itchy fingers on the trigger of both bottles. I shoot the Ant Killer. The ants stagger, shake themselves off and continue on. With the Ant Killer seemingly impotent, I shoot “Fantastic” (thank you, Jeanne) which works like a CHARM.

(Question: WHY do we spray something that instantly lethal on kitchen surfaces?)

The smell of Fantastic is "wofting" through my house—forever-more the scent of victory. I am left physically unscathed, but mentally…WIRED!! After each invasion, I have to clean up the mess—my house is really sparkly after a battle.

[Hmmmm… now I am thinking my husband is behind all this!! He wants a clean house, so he’s probably just outside my window, commanding ant “generals” like the Wicked Witch of the West ordered the winged monkeys to attack Dorothy… and her little dog too! He’s giving each ant “company” wads of bills, “HI- 6-ing” them.]

As a result of all this… I think I’ve actually developed “ANT SENSES” and am starting to THINK like an ant. I use my two pointer fingers as antennae, pointing them various directions to see if I get a signal.

Wait…. A message is coming in…

….They’re looking for a new, cooler abode, one that has water and food. Single ants investigate first, and then if they don’t get squashed, more troops excitedly arrive, looking around my house saying:

‘Not bad. Not bad at all.”

When the excited troops report back with no mishap, they will begin the Single File Invasion (SFI)…

You think I’m kidding?? While on vacation last week, my 18 year old son, Jon, forgot his “sentry” duties while home alone…and that EXACT thing happened. He encountered the MOTHER of all ant invasions in our living room. He sprayed an entire can of Ant Killer on them, adhering the ant carcasses to the carpet, leaving a single, black, schmerey, blotchy line of destruction…..for me to come home to!! I turned over our sofa and found a Chocolate NECCO wafer underneath my couch with little ant tooth marks all around it.

They had apparently found Utopia. (NOW it REALLY IS war—they’re after my CHOCOLATE!!)

I wonder if I can lure them OUT with a Pied Piper sort of instrument or use my new Ant Powers. Maybe a GIANT roll of Necco wafers outside, well beyond the house would mesmerize them…..




Jenie Altruda said...

Do you know that in India they make these really cool patterns using flour outside the threshold of their houses so that the bugs are lured to the flour and stay out of the house? Maybe your Necco Wafer trail outside isn't such a bad idea after all. BTW - Babsee LOVED chocolate Necco wafers - ONLY chocolate. Delores too? I always have a roll in my house somewhere for chocolate emergencies.

Bev Spicknall said...

Yep, it's time to kill if they go after the chocolate. Can't have that. Nope.

I agree, it has to a conspiracy.

We put out ant traps and Daisy ate one which prompted an emergency call to poison control. She lived but the ants are still out in full force. I guess it's time for Fantastic. The traps only attracted one large dog.