Monday, June 16, 2008

Have no Fear---Mammo-wipes are here!!

As a person who lost her parents to cancer—I have a fear of dying. Everything that pains me, every hair that grows from every mole, every goosebump, even a sty-in-the-eye, I firmly believe is a tumor, just waiting to be diagnosed. I have been a big chicken about getting my first mammogram. I figured not only would I be disfigured by the “Boob Jaw” Power-Wrench x-ray plates, but I would most certainly get a bad diagnosis and subsequently… die.

Finally, though, I scheduled my appointment. This particular radiology department gives you the results right away, which takes one of the discomforting, scary elements away.

At my appointment time, I was amazed. They treat you like gold. REAL cloth gowns (no paper napkin vest) and you have a private room to dress and undress in with a t.v.! The nurse asked me if I’d worn deodorant. E-GADs! I did read something about that,

“Yes, I did. It’s a good thing too—I’m pretty nervous.” I say.

“That’s o.k., you can use one of these,” and she pointed to the table with a supply of little packages.

I looked down and see little packages that say the word “Mammo-Wipe” on them. I read further:

Mammography Deodorant Wipes: Your patients will appreciate your care and concern when you offer them one of our pleasantly-scented Mammo Deodorant Wipes. They’re the perfect way to freshen up after a mammogram, leaving the patient feeling clean and comfortable.

I did appreciate their care and concern, and yes they were pleasantly-scented. But from the looks of them—they were a moist towel-ette--nothing more.

I started to imagine other “Mammo” products and things:

-“Mammo-Mints” for the “close-talking” x-ray tech I was assigned to

-“Mammo-Vision” private dressing room t.v.

-“Mammo-Magazines” for the waiting room (probably more appropriate for a male waiting area)

-“Mammo-Attendants” who help align your “Mammos” on the “Mammo-Tray


-“Mammo-Exiting Instructions” so you can take your “Mammos” out of there and back to the lobby

O.k.—I was a little punchy...

However, thanks to the “Mammo-Wipes”, I was sufficiently “Mammo-Distracted” throughout the entire process to render me virtually fear-less. At the end I got to watch the t.v. in my private “Mammo-Room”, until a tap came at the door.

The “Mammo-Assistant” told me my “Mammos” were fine.

I used my “Mammo-Wipes” and true to the description, I did feel clean and comfortable. In fact, I swiped a package for a souvenir.

Have no fear, “Mammo-Wipes” are here! Not only do they make you feel refreshed-- the silly name will take you to a happier place!

1 comment:

Jenie Altruda said...

Dare I ask...what do they have for colonoscopies?