Sunday, June 15, 2008

THE GAME OF “WHIZ SHOT”: Winning will be a relief!

For decades, women have been frustrated by a common complaint…their men “missing” the toilet bowl, thus creating a mess on the floor.

My girlfriends and I have talked about this subject at length. Together we decided that one of the following must be happening, because naturally, no man wants to create a stinky, disgusting, unsanitary situation:

1. They see porcelain and they get confused (especially at night) and think it’s a urinal with a backsplash.

2. They are “claiming” the toilet as theirs---marking the perimeter with a scent.

3. They’re actually lifting their leg in an effort to achieve a “oneness” with their male animal brothers (and who could aim shooting under their leg?).

We know they have the ability to harness themselves--they can write their names in the snow!

Maybe they need a little encouragement…

I had the following idea years ago after seeing one of those traveling weekend carnivals “Win-A-Prize”- type games where you aim a stream of water from a big squirt-rifle at a target and the car races down the track. EUREKA! The concept of “Whiz Shot” was born. Taking into consideration man’s in-born attraction to competition and sports…

Picture this:

THE TOILET BECOMES A GAME! Lights behind the lifted lid illuminate the “Ready, Set, Go” LED lights as they step on the “astro-turf” mat around the toilet with both feet. INSIDE the bowl, there is a target painted near the hole.

Here’s the fun part----a reward for accuracy! The longer the stream hits the target, the more TICKETS come spilling out from the back of the toilet (like “Skee-Ball”). Hence--immediate, pleasurable positive reinforcement! In order to hit the target, they might have to bend their knees (which I’ve suggested for years) or otherwise adjust themselves. If any wetness comes out of the bowl, a penalty buzzer will go off (and no points for “rim” shots). They can exchange their tickets for something they want… like Lawn Equipment, Beer-Themed Bar Mirrors or Deer Trophy-Placement Rights. We could have “Whiz Shot” Olympics and Olympians. Before you know it… could be a spectator sport!

A variation: The longer they hit the target accurately; the resulting energy will be converted to powerize a t.v. screen dropped from the ceiling to show several minutes of movies like “Slap Shot” or “Dirty Dozen” or reruns of “Ba-Ba Black Sheep.”

No? How about a toilet bowl with accordion-fold style sides that come all the way up and curve, creating something like a giant drinking straw-like vessel? Side note: I have seen stranger toilets. In Leichtenstein on a European vacation one year, I witnessed a toilet where, once the flush handle was depressed, a 4-inch coin-slot type arm shot out from the back and clamped around the seat. Then the seat spun around while the arm sprayed disinfectant around it.

So—we can use creativity, just like the "Leichtenstein-inans", and dare to dream of clean toilets and the surrounding flooring beneath them! If we can put a man on the moon, we can make him tidier in the bathroom!


Kathy said...

I love this. Ever since Bryan said, "I can stand up or sit down to tinkle", he knew he was a superior being--and so did I. I think men use it like a firehose to establish their territory. Than guess who gets to clean it up. Hmmm. Not fair. Luv, Kathy

Jenie Altruda said...

I am crying so hard from laughing. Vin doesn't think this one is as funny.. HMMM. Vin does pee sitting down at night so I have to give him extra points (or tickets) for that. I think Whiz-Shot is needed at my house for toilet training Ben and Nate. Send a prototype immediately!!!!

Bev Spicknall said...

What?!! They can sit down?!!

Suzette Martinez Standring said...

Funny, funny piece! Men, take note. The dark truth snickered behind your back is that in the dating world, being a slob can kick you out of the gene pool. Years ago, when I was on the dating scene, I quickly stopped dating a guy just because of his bathroom. I looked into our future and thought, No Can Do. This column gives a whole other spin to Straight Shooter!

Nurse Mommy said...

This isn't even a little bit funny, Heidi. The truth hurts and stinks and leaves wet patches on the floor to step in in the middle of the night. Get on this. Patent it. Make it happen or come over here and train some person in my house!!!!!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Accuracy: It's a nice dream. Only you would get this kind of word count from a wet bottom. Loved it, funny lady.